the funniest things I have ever read

photo from the book cover

(Warning: Swears ahead, along with some other graphic language.)  I know my posts have become somewhat wordy lately and these are not going to help my efforts to shorten future posts by any means, but I have to share them with you.  I have wanted to share these since I started my blog, but hadn't had time to type it out until now.  These come from David Cross' book I Drink For a Reason.  Aside from these two snippets, the book is not one I would recommend reading - the rest of it just isn't that funny. 

Snippet A:  (I Think Rich People Are Boring is the name of the chapter.)

With an apology and all due respect to Louis C.K., who has done a bit using this premise, I think rich people are boring (too).  And by that I mean unimaginative...what do they do with all their money?...I saw footage from Jack Welch’s wife’s birthday where everyone was upset at the lavishness.  I was way more upset at how lame it was, given that he spent a gazzibillionish dollars on it.  “Living statues?”  Come on, that’s bulls@#t.  You’ve got billions and billions of dollars!  Get creative!

(Skipping a few paragraphs)

I would have a HUGE fireworks display, I mean the biggest, grandest one ever.  It would be an annual event and it would last for, like, almost twenty-four hours.  It would fill the sky and be able to be seen for miles.

Snippet B:  (Yourstar.com is the name of the chapter.) 

I don’t get it.  Well, I get it in the sense that I understand what it is.  And I get why, given the intelligence and gullibility of Americans, it not only exists but also truly thrives as a business.  But, come on, paying money to a suspiciously generic-sounding company called the Universal Star Council to have a star named after you or a loved one?!  You’re kidding right?  You’re not?  Go to www.yourstar.com you say, and I’ll see what you’re talking about?  Okay, fine!  I will!

           (Skipping a paragraph)

All right, give me a minute here to let me stop laughing.  Hang on.  Man, this is taking longer than I thought.  Okay, here we go.  Nope, still laughing.  Need another second here...All right, I’m done...hmmmm, I’m imagining a look comprised of a mixture of incredulous outrage and pity.  Is that right?  A look that says, “How motherf!@#ing dumb are you?  You named a star after me?  Which one?  Point it out.  Oh it’s “up there somewhere”?  Wait, you can narrow it down to the Crab Nebula?  Well, that’ll save some time in finding it.  What the f!@# is wrong with you?  I’d rather have a gift certificate to Shit Farm Indian Food Diarrhea Outletters.  I’d rather have forty dollars’ worth of henna tattoos on my face.  What does that even mean, you named a star?  Why not just name a microbe after me?  Or anything else equally intangible and impossible to see after me?  What happened, they ran out of cubic inches of Atlantic Ocean to name for me?...What about the Queen of England’s next fart?  Can I get that named after me as well? 

The twenty-four hour fireworks display and the forty dollars of henna tattoos make me laugh out loud (like gut-busting laughter pouring out) every time.  I also picture him saying all of this as his character in Arrested Development (best show ever, miss it very much) Tobias Funke in his denim cut-off shorts as a Never Nude, which only adds to the hilarity of it all!